I have shared in the past that I was molested when I was 11. I could tell you in detail how this planted a lie in my heart so deep it has affected my bottom line belief about God and the ever crucial truth of His love towards all mankind including me.
Years ago I had the opportunity to pray with an amazing woman out in Head Waters and God gave me a vision of this man and I side by side worshiping Him in heaven. Forgiveness began. Who am I not to forgive when God obviously had.
I have "dealt" with this thing so many times in my adult life. Always knowing that most of my issues in life could be traced back to this one event and the implanted lie that God so loves the world but just didn't have love for me that day or He would have preserved my innocence. He would have protected my childhood and not allowed it to be stolen from me.
Its is true that we live in a fallen world and there for we all get affected by sin. Our own sin or others sin. This fact is not comforting to the wounded that have a clear understanding of God's sovereignty. It feels personal. It "feels" like the God of scripture that is so for His own just isn't for me. If we are deceived about this foundational truth the enemy can work all kinds of mischief.
Scripture states that, "The thief comes ONLY to STEAL, KILL and DESTROY. " Ok, the word destroy is what I thought all three words meant before I study the original language. It means to destroy fully, to perish to lose, or mar. Now stick with me I will summarize all these details in a moment but there is such truth in the details. To lose, is so that there is little or no prospect of recovery. Ugg. To mar means to damage or spoil to a certain extent; rendering the thing less perfect, less attractive or less useful, to impair or spoil. I have literally walked out years of life believing this was my identity. This is the dark, bad and nasty news of being messed with in this life by the thief through sin.
I have been painting with Bob Ross and he talks a lot about lighting. He says you have to have the dark to see the light and the light to see the dark. So true Bob!
This thievery happened in my life when I was 11. The devil set out to destroy me. In years to come he set out to steal and kill. I responded to the lie of lacking God's love in rebellion. I decided that I wasn't worth His love so I would make myself worth it. I call it rebellion because this decision was in direct conflict with how God calls us to come to Him. My salvation was secure when I was 5 so I am talking about my walk with him. I came to Him in the pride of "I got this." I had even vocalized my goal in my early 20's that I wanted to try and be the whole package. I was speaking of course about working towards being attractive, perfect and useful for my future husband but how interchangeable the concept is when you are single.
My pursuit to fix the damage left me with quite a list of good deeds and practically no understanding of grace. Until God wonderfully frustrated my entire life.
Our life fell apart. Three years ago my husband, three children and our dog found ourselves homeless in the dead of winter with whooping cough and no place to call home. It was in these pressing circumstances that I experienced God's keeping power. I could do nothing. I couldn't be good enough, I couldn't control anything. I could get God's attention with my self-deceived version of value or perfection. I found out in that moment that I already had it. His attention. All along God kept me when I couldn't do a thing for Him.
I was so thankful and still am for that 9 days that felt like 3 months without a home. I was set on a course of learning who God really is.
I hadn't given a thought to this being molested thing in years. Yet knowing it was the source of my lack of faith. I had "handled" it so many times I figure that was it, I was done with it. I would just decide to be done with it and will myself out of disbelief. It doesn't really work that way with God or even on a physical level. If you aren't healed of a wound, YOU AREN'T HEALED. I didn't even know I needed healing until this January. Yep like last month just weeks ago!
I think I will end this post for now.
Think on these truths. Are you wounded? Do you need healing because the thing has never been healed? Has the thief stolen, destroyed or caused rush in your life? Next time I write I will share about the wonderful BUT GOD and His redemption and healing in my life. I am praying that these words will quicken hearts to go directly to God alone for the healing we all so desperately need!