Last time I shared it was about this amazing (like greatest of my life experience, you should go back and read the last 2 post kind of amazing) exchange with Jesus. I finally stopped trying to "get over" being molested. As I looked at Jesus on the cross, He absorbed a life time of pain. Through His resurrection power, He HEALED me! So much better than "getting over it!"
I came home from this wonderful timely woman's retreat and.........I really couldn't tell you what I did in the three weeks after. I just kind of stopped in my walk with God. Like, that was amazing I'll take a break now. The only problem is healing is a journey not a destination, said my wise friend Rebecca!
I didn't even know there was a problem until my husband asked if he could speak to me in our room for a minute. I was a wreck. I looked it and I felt like it.
He sat me down and said, "Jess, is there something I have done or could do to help? You seem really unhappy." I burst into tears! I was unhappy. I just had this massive healing in my life, one of those things that you think if that ever gets fixed I bet everything in life will be fine. Silly girl, that isn't real life! I told him what was in the deepest of my heart. "I am the heaviest I ever been. Nothing fits and I had to buy a bigger size sweat pants just to have something to wear. I don't feel attractive or lovely and I don't think it will ever change." My husband was gentle but he also knows he can speak the truth with me and I will receive it. He called it was it was, I "gave up." I stopped taking care of myself and it was showing big time. He said, "Babe, have you looked in the mirror today (it was gentle and loving), I don't want to be rude but you really look like you just rolled out of bed and you went grocery shopping and came home ready to kill our kids." I cried some more. I knew he was right and it was time to put on the big girl panties and let God work on me. This idol of eating for comfort has been like a whole other family member around here. It was time to break up. This habit of neglecting myself, and overindulging was again being wore on the outside.
My man said, why don't you take a shower, put some make up on and go do something you would like to do by yourself.
I did. I stepped into the shower and as if the water was grace and Jesus washed away the old. I got dressed and went to Macy's and bought a few items of clothing that were not sweats. I went to Barns and Noble next and purchased my little brother a birthday card and sat and wrote in it how much I love him and miss him. (something I used to do often) I even changed into my new cloths in the bathroom at B&N because I WAS new and I wanted to wear it. I had no proof that I was new yet. It had only been 2 hours since He had rinsed off the "gave up." I did however have new insight on Him. This One that washes with His grace. Remember, It was just three weeks ago that He healed me from my greatest wound. Suddenly this monster idol had nothing on Him. I'm mean after all it was like 6 years younger that the big wound! (I started the food struggle around 17).
Every morning after that day, I would shower first thing, put make up on and snap a picture for my man. He would encourage and tell me how proud he was of me and thank me for not giving up. PS. It matters to husbands that their wives look their best and take care of themselves and that's a good thing.
Little by little I would look at my life habits with food and exercise and ask God what was good and what needed to go. He lead me to a ministry called Revelation Wellness. They have an 8 week bible study and accountability time that I could do. Yes! I believed that God said this is it. But it was expensive for our budget. So I waited and did what ever the Lord said to do about taking care of His house (my body). Then the study went on sale! I got to start the study! Then I had to restart cause I didn't humble myself the first time. This shower in grace and forward motion of obey coupled with His word has been transforming. I am down 6 lbs. but more excitingly is the fact that I don't crave my old idols like I used to. I crave and am begging to practice the presence of God! So much more filling and so much better for me!
There was one afternoon that educating our kids was getting long and trying. My normal mode of dealing would have been to reward myself with some sort of sweet hot drink because after all I need a pat on the back to simply walk in my calling, right? Blahhh! So I looked for a mug and chose hot chocolate. I already had 3 cups of coffee so maybe something different. I was about to pour the hot water into my mug and Jesus said, "No, Jess, choose ME. " I literally picked up the mug and said to it, "No!" I had this amazing release. I didn't have to do it. I don't have to sin. I know it may sound extreme that I am calling a cup of coco sin. That isn't what I am saying. The sin is having a love relationship with Jesus and cheating on Him with something as stupid as HOT COCO! He commands us to put nothing before Him. He really will supply all of our needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus and for years I have said, "no thanks I got this, I'll just eat more, or I'll just drink more." Such a bummer! GRACE. This is the fun bit of the story. A few hours later my boys asked if I'd play a game and could we drink coco while we do it. My first thought was NO! Absolutely not I can never drink coco again. But since that isn't the point of Jesus telling me no the first time, I pause looked at my kids and said, "Yes! That would be really fun." The coco isn't the bad guy. The worship ill placed, will however destroy and or make a soul ineffective for the work it was created to do.
I made us coco and didn't even finish my mug. My heart was allied with His. I had the freedom to drink anything I wanted, and was not mastered by it.
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| Oh a date with my wonderful man! |
