HOT COCO!

 
   Last time I shared it was about this amazing (like greatest of my life experience, you should go back and read the last 2 post kind of amazing) exchange with Jesus. I finally stopped trying to "get over" being molested. As I looked at Jesus on the cross, He absorbed a life time of pain. Through His resurrection power, He HEALED me! So much better than "getting over it!"
      I came home from this wonderful timely woman's retreat and.........I really couldn't tell you what I did in the three weeks after. I just kind of stopped in my walk with God. Like, that was amazing I'll take a break now.  The only problem is healing is a journey not a destination, said my wise friend Rebecca!
      I didn't even know there was a problem until my husband asked if he could speak to me in our room for a minute. I was a wreck. I looked it and I felt like it.
     He sat me down and said, "Jess, is there something I have done or could do to help? You seem really unhappy." I burst into tears! I was unhappy. I just had this massive healing in my life, one of those things that you think if that ever gets fixed I bet everything in life will be fine. Silly girl, that isn't real life! I told him what was in the deepest of my heart. "I am the heaviest I ever been. Nothing fits and I had to buy a bigger size sweat pants just to have something to wear. I don't feel attractive or lovely and I don't think it will ever change." My husband was gentle but he also knows he can speak the truth with me and I will receive it. He called it was it was, I "gave up." I stopped taking care of myself and it was showing big time. He said, "Babe, have you looked in the mirror today (it was gentle and loving), I don't want to be rude but you really look like you just rolled out of bed and you went grocery shopping and came home ready to kill our kids." I cried some more. I knew he was right and it was time to put on the big girl panties and let God work on me. This idol of eating for comfort has been like a whole other family member around here. It was time to break up. This habit of neglecting myself, and overindulging was again being wore on the outside.
     My man said, why don't you take a shower, put some make up on and go do something you would like to do by yourself.
     I did. I stepped into the shower and as if the water was grace and Jesus washed away the old. I got dressed and went to Macy's and bought a few items of clothing that were not sweats. I went to Barns and Noble next and purchased my little brother a birthday card and sat and wrote in it how much I love him and miss him. (something I used to do often) I even changed into my new cloths in the bathroom at B&N because I WAS new and I wanted to wear it. I had no proof that I was new yet. It had only been 2 hours since He had rinsed off  the "gave up." I did however have new insight on Him. This One that washes with His grace. Remember, It was just three weeks ago that He healed me from my greatest wound. Suddenly this monster idol had nothing on Him.  I'm mean after all it was like 6 years younger that the big wound! (I started the food struggle around 17).
     Every morning after that day, I would shower first thing, put make up on and snap a picture for my man. He would encourage and tell me how proud he was of me and thank me for not giving up. PS. It matters to husbands that their wives look their best and take care of themselves and that's a good thing.
     Little by little I would look at my life habits with food and exercise and ask God what was good and what needed to go. He lead me to a ministry called Revelation Wellness. They have an 8 week bible study and accountability time that I could do. Yes! I believed that God said this is it. But it was expensive for our budget. So I waited and did what ever the Lord said to do about taking care of His house (my body). Then the study went on sale! I got to start the study! Then I had to restart cause I didn't humble myself the first time. This shower in grace and forward motion of obey coupled with His word has been transforming.  I am down 6 lbs. but more excitingly is the fact that I don't crave my old idols like I used to. I crave and am begging to practice the presence of God! So much more filling and so much better for me!
     There was one afternoon that educating our kids was getting long and trying. My normal mode of dealing would have been to reward myself with some sort of sweet hot drink because after all I need a pat on the back to simply walk in my calling, right? Blahhh! So I looked for a mug and chose hot chocolate. I already had 3 cups of coffee so maybe something different. I was about to pour the hot water into my mug and Jesus said, "No, Jess, choose ME. " I literally picked up the mug and said to it, "No!" I had this amazing release. I didn't have to do it. I don't have to sin. I know it may sound extreme that I am calling a cup of coco sin. That isn't what I am saying. The sin is having a love relationship with Jesus and cheating on Him with something as stupid as HOT COCO! He commands us to put nothing before Him. He really will supply all of our needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus and for years I have said,  "no thanks I got this, I'll just eat more, or I'll just drink more." Such a bummer! GRACE. This is the fun bit of the story. A few hours later my boys asked if I'd play a game and could we drink coco while we do it. My first thought was NO! Absolutely not I can never drink coco again. But since that isn't the point of Jesus telling me no the first time, I pause looked at my kids and said, "Yes! That would be really fun." The coco isn't the bad guy. The worship ill placed, will however destroy and or make a soul ineffective for the work it was created to do.
I made us coco and didn't even finish my mug. My heart was allied with His. I had the freedom to drink anything I wanted, and was not mastered by it.

Oh a date with my wonderful man! 

EVEN THIS

     Have you ever asked God to give you a verse for a specific season of your life? When I recently  got fed up with being unhealthy I knew there would be a process involved since this is a journey I have quit several times before. So as I prayed through it the same truth kept popping up.  "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I even painted this verse for my Aunt Fabulous a while ago. 

     ONE would think I would be over joyed to have God the creator of the universe take the time to impress anything on my heart let alone line up several circumstances to confirm over and over that this was the truth to be applied to my up coming season. Nope. I was disappointed. It makes me giggle even now. Seriously, I was disappointed because that is EVERY ONES verse! It is what I would call a bumper sticker verse. A verse in the bible so commonly quoted and even miss quoted that weather you are a disciple of Christ or not your probably familiar with it. I shouldn't have been surprised because God has been walking me through many bumper sticker verses this year and asking me "do you believe Me?"
      If I truly 100% believed that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me lets be honest I wouldn't struggle so much. So after whining to God that I didn't like His choice verse for getting healthy and strong He gently impressed on my heart, "EVEN THIS, Jess. Even the big one. Even the one you don't believe I can walk you through and you need to."
      So I made myself a little sign. I stapled it to the ceiling in the basement were I work out. I see it every time I have to do some move on my back like sit ups or leg lifts and so on. Its been a great reminder that my new journey to fitness has less to do with loosing weight and more to do with gaining faith and strength physical and in my LORD.
     Do you have an "EVEN THIS?" Something in your live that you don't really want to deal with but your way has been so miserable you know its time to change? I think the reason some verses make it to bumper sticker status is because though its just a few words if we would dare to whole heatedly believe them God will overhaul our entire life. If you are brave enough to share I would love to hear about yours. In a personal message or comment on this blog. What ever your comfortable with. I would love to share in the journey and be praying with you.

 

* I also wanted to mention that after I posted FEAR & FITNESS as dear friend reminded me that she is someone that can help me. She is a personal trainer/ fitness coach and has a huge heart to help people practically! She has coached me over the last few weeks not only in building work outs specifically for me but also coaching me towards grace in the journey and away from all that can be dark and self-centered in the world of fitness. Deepest Thanks to you Tricia!

FITNESS & FEAR

    Have you ever struggled with something so long and hard that the shear thought of victory makes you want to laugh (sarcastically) and crawl in a whole (literally)? Oh me too! So I'm in good company. I honestly have no desire to hit post on this baby but not for fear of being found out. For fear of failing again others knowing about it. Fear of failure is the second most powerful force in my life. Grace is #1 but I am more naturally aquatic with fear. Grace has been this foreign concept that I have to abandon my own understanding to even begin to wrap my thinking around.
      I shared on my previous blog that I was molested at the ripe age of 11, one week before my 6th grade graduation. God has worked His mighty healing in my life but one lie that was planted in my thinking through this experience and that I still fight to this day is that I am not good enough. Not good enough to be taken care of. Not good enough to have victory. Not good enough to be a good mom. Not good enough to educate my kids. Not good enough to support my husband. The "not good enough" lie can come in all shapes and colors but its just that, A LIE. This lie in my life has been a distraction from the truth. (Ah duh I guess that is the definition of a lie). It has set me on a hamster wheel of trying to earn "good enough." So what is the answer? Its kind of right there in the lie. I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH! That why Jesus died and rose! If I accept this then my hands are free to hold grace.
       Now track with me. The more I learn about this crazy grace thing. The more there is a spot light on area's in my life that I have not allowed God to touch or even get near with His grace. Areas that I would rather keep trying and failing on my own just because to let God in would be too scary. What if I once again fail?
     My long time (like 14 years long) area that I have pushed God's grace out of is my "body/fitness/eating to cope/hating the way I look." You may know what I am talking about or you may have a grace barricade around another life issue. This is me being super venerable! I could talk all day about any other issue, confess my sin and how God is meeting me in it but this issue has been so hands off. I have grown over the years and learned in this area. I had 3 babies and all that comes with weight gain and loss with that. I am on a new medication currently that God has graciously used to stabilize my hormones and as a result our home but with it came 12 lbs. I weight 172 lbs. and I'm not pregnant. This is the heaviest I have ever been. Now be careful don't look at that number and start comparing. Hear the heart of what I am saying. The heaviest I have ever been (not pregnant of course, I will never reveal that! lol) so in my area that I don't let God in with His grace I am at a place of personal defeat. I will tell you that as the scale was going up when I started my meds pounds was not the only thing I gained. I also gained an acute desire to be free of my stronghold and it has taken me right up to a single and simple truth.

I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.

     Do I believe it? Well yes of course for everyone else and their strongholds. As this is highly hypocritical and not something I want to pass on to my little female,its time to be FREE.
I am writing today to declare that I am allowing (with trepidation) God's grace in on my fitness issue. Would I love to share in no time flat a before and after picture of me in a bikini going from fluffy to super fit. Like hotter than I was when I was 16? Well yeah, but God has cautioned me that He is more concerned about that hidden person of the heart. Its time to break the stronghold not so that I can check off physical beauty boxes but because this area is affecting the beauty that matters to my Creator.

1 Peter 3:3-4 

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.

     I never call my Abi beautiful in reference to her appearance. I use other words and of course to edify her because seriously she is so pretty! I save the word beauty to challenge both of us to be beautiful women of God. When correcting behavior such as whining, screaming, manipulating or fighting I ask her, "Abi what is it to be beautiful?" She responds with the standard 3 year old speech impediment, "Peaceful and gentle." "Where you beautiful with your brother just now?"
      You get the idea. Its time for Mama to grow in beauty too. Its time to let grace into an area that has been a home for fear of failure and self-hating. So here we go. Now you know. I would love prayer if you think of me as I embark on this new journey of grace.
     I don't plan on taking my blog over with fitness updates. I really do enjoy mainly passing on truths from God's word but I will update sometime in the future on how things are gong.
     Your turn. Is there a room in your heart that has a homemade sign like a teenager that says "KEEP OUT JESUS!” Do you want to take it down with me? We are all in this together!