A Wish or a Weed

   

  Is it a wish or a weed? God has been changing my mind on so many things. The biggest change came about when I finally got sick enough of the poor me idol to cry out for change! I have been a fire wife and fire family for almost 6 years now. Wow! I have never really relaxed into this calling God has on my husband.
    While the kids and I where at family camp there was a teaching for each member of the family. Husbands, wives and kids. I was very much looking forward to the wifey teaching but had no idea it would be a perspective changer!
     The pastor teaching said, " God has given our men a mission. A calling on their lives." " As wife God has given me a SUB-mission." WHAT! Seriously! This changes how I think about my husbands job. No we are not in full time ministry any more but what my husband does is his calling. God has a plan and purpose for it. I get to be his support my SUB-mission is to do all I can to help him with the his mission.
      His mission is to love God, love his family, and be a firefighter/EMT in our community. I love God with him, I raise and teach our kids, and I make sure his uniforms are clean on time, have a completely separate grocery list for his grab and go station meal and I expect nothing form him (still a work in progress) while he is home.

     Expectations are premeditated 

disappointments.

      I used to be super sad that Paul would miss out on things and have a miserable time. It didn't make him there is just made us there not what i could be. Really I say yes to more things that I probably would if he was home cause he is my favorite and I love just us time in the evenings after the kids are in bed.
     So, I am thankful for this perspective shift. God knows what He is doing and if we let Him build our lives there will be blessings that we never could have planned for ourselves.

HOT COCO!

 
   Last time I shared it was about this amazing (like greatest of my life experience, you should go back and read the last 2 post kind of amazing) exchange with Jesus. I finally stopped trying to "get over" being molested. As I looked at Jesus on the cross, He absorbed a life time of pain. Through His resurrection power, He HEALED me! So much better than "getting over it!"
      I came home from this wonderful timely woman's retreat and.........I really couldn't tell you what I did in the three weeks after. I just kind of stopped in my walk with God. Like, that was amazing I'll take a break now.  The only problem is healing is a journey not a destination, said my wise friend Rebecca!
      I didn't even know there was a problem until my husband asked if he could speak to me in our room for a minute. I was a wreck. I looked it and I felt like it.
     He sat me down and said, "Jess, is there something I have done or could do to help? You seem really unhappy." I burst into tears! I was unhappy. I just had this massive healing in my life, one of those things that you think if that ever gets fixed I bet everything in life will be fine. Silly girl, that isn't real life! I told him what was in the deepest of my heart. "I am the heaviest I ever been. Nothing fits and I had to buy a bigger size sweat pants just to have something to wear. I don't feel attractive or lovely and I don't think it will ever change." My husband was gentle but he also knows he can speak the truth with me and I will receive it. He called it was it was, I "gave up." I stopped taking care of myself and it was showing big time. He said, "Babe, have you looked in the mirror today (it was gentle and loving), I don't want to be rude but you really look like you just rolled out of bed and you went grocery shopping and came home ready to kill our kids." I cried some more. I knew he was right and it was time to put on the big girl panties and let God work on me. This idol of eating for comfort has been like a whole other family member around here. It was time to break up. This habit of neglecting myself, and overindulging was again being wore on the outside.
     My man said, why don't you take a shower, put some make up on and go do something you would like to do by yourself.
     I did. I stepped into the shower and as if the water was grace and Jesus washed away the old. I got dressed and went to Macy's and bought a few items of clothing that were not sweats. I went to Barns and Noble next and purchased my little brother a birthday card and sat and wrote in it how much I love him and miss him. (something I used to do often) I even changed into my new cloths in the bathroom at B&N because I WAS new and I wanted to wear it. I had no proof that I was new yet. It had only been 2 hours since He had rinsed off  the "gave up." I did however have new insight on Him. This One that washes with His grace. Remember, It was just three weeks ago that He healed me from my greatest wound. Suddenly this monster idol had nothing on Him.  I'm mean after all it was like 6 years younger that the big wound! (I started the food struggle around 17).
     Every morning after that day, I would shower first thing, put make up on and snap a picture for my man. He would encourage and tell me how proud he was of me and thank me for not giving up. PS. It matters to husbands that their wives look their best and take care of themselves and that's a good thing.
     Little by little I would look at my life habits with food and exercise and ask God what was good and what needed to go. He lead me to a ministry called Revelation Wellness. They have an 8 week bible study and accountability time that I could do. Yes! I believed that God said this is it. But it was expensive for our budget. So I waited and did what ever the Lord said to do about taking care of His house (my body). Then the study went on sale! I got to start the study! Then I had to restart cause I didn't humble myself the first time. This shower in grace and forward motion of obey coupled with His word has been transforming.  I am down 6 lbs. but more excitingly is the fact that I don't crave my old idols like I used to. I crave and am begging to practice the presence of God! So much more filling and so much better for me!
     There was one afternoon that educating our kids was getting long and trying. My normal mode of dealing would have been to reward myself with some sort of sweet hot drink because after all I need a pat on the back to simply walk in my calling, right? Blahhh! So I looked for a mug and chose hot chocolate. I already had 3 cups of coffee so maybe something different. I was about to pour the hot water into my mug and Jesus said, "No, Jess, choose ME. " I literally picked up the mug and said to it, "No!" I had this amazing release. I didn't have to do it. I don't have to sin. I know it may sound extreme that I am calling a cup of coco sin. That isn't what I am saying. The sin is having a love relationship with Jesus and cheating on Him with something as stupid as HOT COCO! He commands us to put nothing before Him. He really will supply all of our needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus and for years I have said,  "no thanks I got this, I'll just eat more, or I'll just drink more." Such a bummer! GRACE. This is the fun bit of the story. A few hours later my boys asked if I'd play a game and could we drink coco while we do it. My first thought was NO! Absolutely not I can never drink coco again. But since that isn't the point of Jesus telling me no the first time, I pause looked at my kids and said, "Yes! That would be really fun." The coco isn't the bad guy. The worship ill placed, will however destroy and or make a soul ineffective for the work it was created to do.
I made us coco and didn't even finish my mug. My heart was allied with His. I had the freedom to drink anything I wanted, and was not mastered by it.

Oh a date with my wonderful man! 

HEALED

     I have been a parent for 9 years. CRAZY! When we had our first women would tell me, don't blink it will go by so fast. I would think, woman, you are crazy if I was aloud to blink I would sleep for 2 days! But those gals where right! I has flown by. In these nine years I have never gone away from my home on my own.

Our first. 9 years ago.

     I was invited to go to a woman's retreat with ladies from my church and we would join with ladies from Ohio and South Carolina in a cabin in Tennessee. It all worked out for me to go days before it was time to jump in the car. I took my kiddo's to grandparents in Indiana and then Brookie and Maryland met at my house so I could drive us to the cabin.
     I didn't know these ladies at all. I knew of Maryland but had never met Brooke. Brooke got to my house first and I wrapped my arms around her and said, "Hi! we are going to be best friends in 5 hours!" That's how long it took to get there.
     As we drove we each took turns sharing our stories like I knew we would. As I listened to Brooke's story about her meeting her husband of 5 years now and how she honored him and spoke of him I was encouraged and convicted. I loved hearing stories from Maryland on becoming a Mother-in-law twice in one year. How she was seeking to respect and honor the new unions.

Marylin 

Brookie

     When we arrived at the cabin (It was really huge! ) I began to feel my heart drop. I felt like all those teen girls that would come to camp when I served in Head Waters that would say, "I don't know why I'm here."
     That night Maryland was the one teaching. I felt so proud of my new car buddy bestie. I listen and of course was the first to break down and cry. I had been so concerned for my husband working 94 hours a week and not sleeping at all on fire nights. Marylin said, "let's ask God to give you the desire of your heart that the needs would be met with just the fire job and not a second job also." She prayed over me and challenged me that it was time to ask and be content at the same time. I had to humble myself and agree. I was so scared to ask God for anything I wanted. I shared about being molested and how I struggle to believe that God wants anything good for me and those connected to me.
     Like I mentioned in my last post I could explain to you why and how this event in my life was robbing me of truth to that day!
     The next day I had a terrible head ache all day and really felt like what is the point of me being here if God was just going to let me be in so much pain. I did get to share about my heart for painting God's word and had supplies for all the gals to paint if they wanted to! It was so cool. A vision come to life!

That night we were had time set aside for a testimony. Guess who was sharing? My other new bestie Brookie!
     What she shared and how she shared, oh man, I have never heard a testimony like it. I think it was also so powerful to me because I got to hear all the other stuff in the car as she saved her story of coming to Jesus for that night.
     Brooke too was messed with sexually as a child. She rebelled in different ways than me but she didn't have a trace of the old life on her. I spent 5 hours in the car with the woman, and I was shocked by her story because I would NEVER have guessed it. God had truly, redeemed and healed and given her a life and purpose completely centered on Him. As I listened I started to feel this weird, "wait a minute, I don't sound like her."  I am not free of my past like she is. I still smell like smoke from the fire. After she was done we had a time of prayer. I began to feel agitated. I knew God was offering me healing right then. I wanted to be healed but I didn't want it from Him. You see I have been angry at God for 24 years. He could have rescued me and He didn't. At one point Brookie shared about her years of healing from her abuse and her choices that proceeded. One night she was so angry and crying and asked her Mom, "Why did Jesus let this happen?" A familiar question right? I listened almost breathless for the Mom's answer as Brooke continued. "I don't know Brooke, but look at the cross." When she said that it bugged me. Ugh! What does that even mean!
     Back to that time of prayer as Jesus was offering to heal me. I was angry. I was hot. I was sitting on the ground Indian style with my head in my hands refusing to acknowledged the gentle whisper to come. "No, Lord, " I said in my heart. "why should I come to you when its your fault I got screwed up in the first place!" " Look up Jess, look at Me on the cross." I did. My first reaction to thinking about Jesus on the cross with all my pain boiled to the surface was, "GOOD!" "If I have to suffer so should you." Then the strangest thing happened. It really isn't strange at all I because this is Jesus we are talking about but it was new for me. As I kept looking as Jesus bloody, and dripping to pay for my sin, its like all my pain and anger and suffering over the years was simply ABSORBED. He took it for and from me. I didn't have it any more. It was like a digging in the soil of my middle, my heart and he pulled out the broken, and burnt thing in my heart and put it in my hand. I could see it for what it really was and I gave it to Him. See there is  a big difference between "getting over something," and giving it to Jesus in the great exchange of Beauty for Ashes. The gals prayed over me and I prayed for the man who molested me and asked God to be merciful to him. I released him of any blame in my heart and forgave more deeply than any forgiveness I have ever given in my life.
     The next day several other women broke down and I hope made that great exchange with Jesus. Everyone in the room has very serious faces but I couldn't hold back a giant smile because I was free. I was healed and I knew God was offering the same to them.
     Before this, I had settled on the idea that I may just always struggle with this thing. I don't think that way anymore. When people have pain, or a wound I know God can heal completely! I have a desire to be used in any way He wants. I want to walk with other on this road to exchange their ash for His beauty.
   

HEALED

I painted this weeks before the retreat 

Isaiah 61

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
    and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
    that have been devastated for generations.

All my girls where there! 

IT WAS STOLEN

      I was molested when I was 11. I could tell you in detail how this planted a lie in my heart so deep it has affected my bottom line belief about God and the ever crucial truth of His love towards all mankind including me.
     Years ago I had the opportunity to pray with an amazing woman out in Head Waters and God gave me a vision of this man and I side by side worshiping Him in heaven. Forgiveness began. Who am I not to forgive when God obviously had.
     I have "dealt" with this thing so many times in my adult life. Always knowing that most of my issues in life could be traced back to this one event  and the implanted lie that God so loves the world but just didn't have love for me that day or He would have preserved my innocence. He would have protected my childhood and not allowed it to be stolen from me.
     Its is true that we live in a fallen world and there for we all get affected by sin. Our own sin or others sin. This fact is not comforting to the wounded that have a clear understanding of God's sovereignty. It feels personal. It "feels" like the God of scripture that is so for His own just isn't for me. If we are deceived about this foundational truth the enemy can work all kinds of mischief.
     Scripture states that, "The thief comes ONLY to STEAL, KILL and DESTROY. " Ok, the word destroy is what I thought all three words meant before I study the original language. It means to destroy fully, to perish to lose, or mar. Now stick with me I will summarize all these details in a moment but there is such truth in the details. To lose, is so that there is little or no prospect of recovery. Ugg. To mar means to damage or spoil to a certain extent; rendering the thing less perfect, less attractive or less useful, to impair or spoil. I have literally walked out years of life believing this was my identity. This is the dark, bad and nasty news of being messed with in this life by the thief through sin.

That word steal means to steal something in a gradual manner. Like a chipping away at something of great value. Quite sneaky. I can think of many things in my life that the thief has chipped away at without me realizing until there was a giant whole that caused a major problem! Not respecting and honoring my husband in years past for example. Selfishness. Idolatry over food and so on.  To kill means to rush. Isn't that surprising? It has to to will rushed breathing and I suppose unto death but the word rush says one thing me, ANXIETY! Oh how anxiety, the sin of not trusting our trustworthy God brings immediate death to peace and the fullness of life Christ came to bring us! RIGHT!?
     I have been painting with Bob Ross and he talks a lot about lighting. He says you have to have the dark to see the light and the light to see  the dark. So true Bob!

     This thievery happened in my life when I was 11. The devil set out to destroy me. In years to come he set out to steal and kill. I responded to the lie of lacking God's love in rebellion. I decided that I wasn't worth His love so I would make myself worth it. I call it rebellion because this decision was in direct conflict with how God calls us to come to Him. My salvation was secure when I was 5 so I am talking about my walk with him. I came to Him in the pride of "I got this." I had even vocalized my goal in my early 20's that I wanted to try and be the whole package. I was speaking of course about working towards being attractive, perfect and useful for my future husband but how interchangeable the concept is when you are single.
     My pursuit to fix the damage left me with quite a list of good deeds and practically no understanding of grace. Until God wonderfully frustrated my entire life.
      Our life fell apart. Three years ago my husband, three children and our dog found ourselves homeless in the dead of winter with whooping cough and no place to call home. It was in these pressing circumstances that I experienced God's keeping power. I could do nothing. I couldn't be good enough, I couldn't control anything. I could get God's attention with my self-deceived version of value or perfection. I found out in that moment that I already had it. His attention. All along God kept me when I couldn't do a thing for Him.
     I was so thankful and still am for that 9 days that felt like 3 months without a home. I was set on a course of learning who God really is.
      I hadn't given a thought to this being molested thing in years. Yet knowing it was the source of my lack of faith. I had "handled" it so many times I figure that was it, I was done with it.  I would just decide to be done with it and will myself out of disbelief. It doesn't really work that way with God or even on a physical level. If you aren't healed of a wound, YOU AREN'T HEALED. I didn't even know I needed healing until this January. Yep like last month just weeks ago!
     I think I will end this post for now.
     Think on these truths. Are you wounded? Do you need healing because the thing has never been healed? Has the thief stolen, destroyed or caused rush in your life? Next time I write I will share about the wonderful BUT GOD and His redemption and healing in my life. I am praying that these words will quicken hearts to go directly to God alone for the healing we all so desperately need!