I shared on my previous blog that I was molested at the ripe age of 11, one week before my 6th grade graduation. God has worked His mighty healing in my life but one lie that was planted in my thinking through this experience and that I still fight to this day is that I am not good enough. Not good enough to be taken care of. Not good enough to have victory. Not good enough to be a good mom. Not good enough to educate my kids. Not good enough to support my husband. The "not good enough" lie can come in all shapes and colors but its just that, A LIE. This lie in my life has been a distraction from the truth. (Ah duh I guess that is the definition of a lie). It has set me on a hamster wheel of trying to earn "good enough." So what is the answer? Its kind of right there in the lie. I'm NOT GOOD ENOUGH! That why Jesus died and rose! If I accept this then my hands are free to hold grace.
Now track with me. The more I learn about this crazy grace thing. The more there is a spot light on area's in my life that I have not allowed God to touch or even get near with His grace. Areas that I would rather keep trying and failing on my own just because to let God in would be too scary. What if I once again fail?
My long time (like 14 years long) area that I have pushed God's grace out of is my "body/fitness/eating to cope/hating the way I look." You may know what I am talking about or you may have a grace barricade around another life issue. This is me being super venerable! I could talk all day about any other issue, confess my sin and how God is meeting me in it but this issue has been so hands off. I have grown over the years and learned in this area. I had 3 babies and all that comes with weight gain and loss with that. I am on a new medication currently that God has graciously used to stabilize my hormones and as a result our home but with it came 12 lbs. I weight 172 lbs. and I'm not pregnant. This is the heaviest I have ever been. Now be careful don't look at that number and start comparing. Hear the heart of what I am saying. The heaviest I have ever been (not pregnant of course, I will never reveal that! lol) so in my area that I don't let God in with His grace I am at a place of personal defeat. I will tell you that as the scale was going up when I started my meds pounds was not the only thing I gained. I also gained an acute desire to be free of my stronghold and it has taken me right up to a single and simple truth.
I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME.
Do I believe it? Well yes of course for everyone else and their strongholds. As this is highly hypocritical and not something I want to pass on to my little female,its time to be FREE.
I am writing today to declare that I am allowing (with trepidation) God's grace in on my fitness issue. Would I love to share in no time flat a before and after picture of me in a bikini going from fluffy to super fit. Like hotter than I was when I was 16? Well yeah, but God has cautioned me that He is more concerned about that hidden person of the heart. Its time to break the stronghold not so that I can check off physical beauty boxes but because this area is affecting the beauty that matters to my Creator.
1 Peter 3:3-4
Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious.
I never call my Abi beautiful in reference to her appearance. I use other words and of course to edify her because seriously she is so pretty! I save the word beauty to challenge both of us to be beautiful women of God. When correcting behavior such as whining, screaming, manipulating or fighting I ask her, "Abi what is it to be beautiful?" She responds with the standard 3 year old speech impediment, "Peaceful and gentle." "Where you beautiful with your brother just now?"
You get the idea. Its time for Mama to grow in beauty too. Its time to let grace into an area that has been a home for fear of failure and self-hating. So here we go. Now you know. I would love prayer if you think of me as I embark on this new journey of grace.
I don't plan on taking my blog over with fitness updates. I really do enjoy mainly passing on truths from God's word but I will update sometime in the future on how things are gong.
Your turn. Is there a room in your heart that has a homemade sign like a teenager that says "KEEP OUT JESUS!” Do you want to take it down with me? We are all in this together!
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